“You could say that man is alive as long as he is in waiting.” We are all living in our own season of advent, waiting for something to happen or someone to come into our lives. We wait for news (good and bad), anticipate change, and expect the best.

Often though, waiting seems unbearable. I yearn for pieces to fall into place faster, for plans to materialize and expectations to be met. This impatient soul has been spoiled by blazing 3G speeds, constant tweets and other available forms of information.

In a year that has been filled with humbling lessons and occasional disappointments, I have learned that life is not a predictable force that always meets my timetable. In waiting, we are faced with our own weaknesses and realize that our own personal advent involves preparation. Perhaps this down time is an opportunity to get better, grow stronger and be more ready to face whatever I yearn to become.

Anticipation is also a big part of waiting. During the first Sunday of advent, some families light one purple candle on their Advent wreath that symbolizes hope. “..Man is recognized by his expectations: our moral and spiritual ‘stature’ can be measured by what we expect, by what we hope for.” Pope Benedict XVI said recently. So I remain hopeful that once I am ready, the things I am waiting for will eventually be revealed.

Help me to live this day
Quietly and easily, without worry or fear;

To lean upon your great strength and love
And trust fully and restfully;

To wait for the unfolding of Your love
Patiently and serenely;

To meet others in love peacefully
and joyously

And to face tomorrow confidently
And courageously

Amen

I came upon this prayer during my college years and have often used it as prayers for class (when I’m suddenly volunteered to lead prayer..) group discussions and this time, as a way to welcome the New Year.

As we enter a brand new year, may we remain humbled by our past and constantly inspired by what our future holds.

I pray for clarity of thought and solace in my words once again.

Here’s to facing 2010 with renewed hope for better things to come!

The Last Lecture was a pleasure to read, more than a self-help book, it was a legacy of one man that he now leaves to his children. Despite being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, he chose to take on the challenge of preparing his lecture and eventually the book that would talk, not about dying but about living.

And live he did. His list of childhood dreams and how he lived his way towards it was both amusing and envying.  From authoring an article in the World Encyclopedia to being (or at least meeting) Captain Kirk and becoming a Disney Imagineer, Mr. Pausch had dreamt and done it all.

Someone recently asked me what my dream was in life and I remember going on and on about my career goals. He asked again, “Yes, but what is your dream?” I sat there, with random repetitive words, but not a dream in sight. Was this why I sometimes feel lost, unsure of where to go next? Was this why when I attempted to reach for the stars, I often fell on the roof?

While I never really dreamt of being in zero gravity or working for Disney, my childhood dreams were quite simple: to find a playmate, to get new things once in awhile instead of the usual hand-me-downs and to learn how to express myself so that my insights were considered instead of overlooked.

Being the youngest, my sister had moved on to newer toys and interests by the time I was born. So playing alone with old hand-me downs had been a staple. Growing up, school has been one big process of fitting in and finding good friends.

After learning my lesson of being myself and staying away from the troublemakers, I had found a lot of good ones along the way but it wasn’t until I started working that  I found great playmates whom I  share a lot of things in common with. To this day, they remain one of my bigger dreams realized.

As my income and confidence grew, I found myself able to acquire new toys effectively letting go of my hand-me down habits.

Often during the course of mildly fulfilling these two dreams, writing was the closest that I got to expressing myself, being able to control the thoughts and place the words to where I want it to go, effectively conveying an insight.

Now that I find myself starting over, the search for these dreams begins again. In the pages of The Last Lecture, the author talks about his challenges or “brick walls” that were not there to block his dreams but to prove that he can still find a way to reach it. “Brick walls are there for a reason. They give us a chance to show how badly we want something.”

And as I am surrounded by my own brick walls, I begin to write on it, feeling and scanning the surface to reveal its cracks, in search of a way through it. So far the challenge is still daunting, but still quite inviting.

Randy Pausch passed away on July 25, 2008. But his message continues to inspire and encourage people, like me, to dream our way into our future.

After recently seeing the movie Julie & Julia, I left the theater with an unusual feeling of optimism, ready to go out to the world and cook, write, blog and eat my way towards my own Julie & Julia moment. Combining great actors (Meryl Streep, Amy Adams, Stanley Tucci) with an exceptional screenwriter and director (Nora Ephron), Julie & Julia presents two great ideas spread out across two different timelines and two separate yet uniquely intertwined life stories that show us that dreams do come true.

However, a few hours after my J&J movie high, reality sets in and reminds me that I am actually more of a Julie Powell (pre book or movie deals); only without the cooking skills or an idol to blog about (for 365 days).

But this realization is what makes Julie & Julia such a recipe for success;  it is a great two-hour escape into other people’s lives, yet all the while connecting yourself with their failures (or perhaps achievements as well).

More than just a feel-good story of dreams coming true, it digs into the heart of every ordinary human being seeking to go beyond their own mediocrity, hoping and waiting for their moment of brilliance. We admire strong willed women like Julia Child (Meryl Streep) as she sought to do something not for fame but for her own personal happiness. And we hope to find our own inspiration the way Julie Powell (Amy Adams) found in Julia Child and her recipes.

It can be said that these two women would never have been linked had it not been for Julie Powell’s own idea. In the movie, Julie can be seen doubting herself, uncertain whether she can actually complete her self-imposed challenge. As it alternates between Julia Child’s struggles through cooking school and completing her recipe book to Julie Powell’s attempts at culinary brilliance and her humorous (to us at least) meltdowns, you feel that their journey was more important than their goal.

Rallying behind these two women were their loving husbands and loyal friends, because every dreamer needs a support system. Like them, we seek people who can be both our harshest critics and our biggest fans, constantly cheering us on when we lose hope and dragging us back into reality if we become too full of ourselves.

So as I continue to seek my great big idea, I look towards experiencing more of what life has to offer.  And while I certainly cannot afford moving to France or joining a culinary school just yet, perhaps stepping out and exploring the islands, meeting new people and having new experiences will inspire me to live my way into my own dreams coming true.

It takes time to really build a friendship. You invest your emotions and  yourself to someone or to a group you connect with. When a solid foundation is built, you willingly ease your defenses, trusting that these people will love you just as you are. In the words of George Eliot, “Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are…” If you can survive the occasional sickness-induced mood swings, some unexpected setbacks while traveling together or just a regular bad day, all the while staying positive, happy and laughing, then you’re off to a great start.

Similarly, it also just takes one defining moment to break a bond apart or at least to leave some permanent cracks. I have learned lately that comfort and acceptance are just part of the first stage, friendship is an emotional investment that can reap volumes but can also, with the wrong choices, leave you with almost nothing.

In becoming too comfortable, we can loose our good judgment, taking for granted that emotions are involved and trust has been invested. In our constant pursuit for a good gossip, even among close friends, we often do it at the expene of someone else. Honesty is underrated these days, even though in the end, all things are revealed and feelings are unexpectedly hurt.

And in moments of anger and disappointment towards a friend, time and space are necessary tools in mending hurt emotions. I have seen friendships built, torn-apart and rebuilt having been in some of it myself. Often, the healing part takes the longest because feelings cannot be rushed and apologies cannot easily be accepted. But I am hopeful that time will reveal the depth of one’s emotional investment to the other. Forgiveness may come slow for a betrayed soul, but it is still possible because after all, “the depth of (our) love is shown by the extent of (our) anger.”  (Archbishop Desmond Tutu)

So while we can rebuild broken relationships, we walk away with battle scars, each one a reminder that friendship is no simple endeavor. It is something that is constantly worked on and earned. I’m still learning about that everyday, thankful for the valuable lessons imparted by my friends.

It was as if I was in a bubble. A nice, comfortable, impenetrable (or so I thought) bubble, but then when I shifted position, I realized that it had burst and I was no longer in my comfort zone. This moment came to me as soon as I got off the plane. As I walked towards Baggage Claim, one of the airport attendants passed by and greeted me with a warm “Aloha!” Perhaps sensing from my disheveled appearance and tired eyes, that the flight had taken its toll on me and that his greeting was as close to a piece of lei as he could offer, welcoming me back home.

To many, starting over may seem like a crazy, irresponsible and unnecessary endeavor to undertake. But like many explorers who have gone before me, the thrill of a challenge was too tempting to turn down.

I’m not exactly sure when this new journey began. Whether it was the 10-hour airport stopover that tested my resilience or the long flights in between, I knew that as soon as I left familiar grounds, I would never be the same again.

While still in its uncertain stages, my future, like a novel still being written is a mix of moments, stories and experiences, strung together in sentences and paragraphs, forming an idea but nowhere near complete. Every day I am faced with new challenges. There are good days and bad ones; there are productive moments and idle times and there are always new and unfamiliar tasks to conquer.

I can’t say that I am winning all of my daily battles, but I’m pretty sure I have survived to face them another day.  Somehow I know that I am where I’m supposed to be, I just have to figure out what I’m here for.

But I remain hopeful. My past up to now has been about growing up. And while the direction towards the future is still uncertain, I take with me all the roadmaps that I have acquired and say “Yes!” to stepping towards the direction of this new path.

“To be free, to be able to stand up and leave everything behind—without looking back.
To say “YES”
Yes to God, yes to fate, yes to yourself. This reality can wound the soul, but has the power to heal her.
You dare your YES—and experience a meaning. You repeat your YES—and all things acquire a meaning.
When everything has a meaning, how can you live anything but YES?

“–Night is drawing nigh…
For all that has been—Thanks!
For all that shall be—YES!”

*Quotation taken from Dag Hammarskjold’s “Markings”

The introductory lines of any written work is often one of the most difficult parts to create. The first few lines must be simple but interesting enough to introduce the intention but not give away the ending, and thus it is a challenge to make it short, yet meaningful, all the time keeping the reader’s attention. If I still have yours then I’m in luck.

To most, the contents of this blog may be irrelevant to the rest of the world, but such is not really the point. It is intended for the viewing pleasure of friends, acquaintances and anyone else who may have happened to come upon it. So allow me to take you through a journey within and beyond the little island that is my life. There is nothing newsworthy nor controversial in these pages (not yet, at least) only notes, some pictures and the occasional cries of a voice finding the world and herself in the process.

Having said that, it is still my sincerest hope that one will see this as something more than just another mundane strand in this vast web of individuals finding meaning, friendships and relationships in the Internet of life.

Enjoy!